Last Day of School

I need to start with a few facts about me:

1. I love my children. They spend a large portion of each day driving me nuts, but in the end they (and my husband) are absolutely my favorite people in the whole world.

2. I'm typically content. On the whole my life is pretty awesome.

3. I'm kind of emotional. I cry at births, graduations, and weddings—pretty much any big life transition--even for people with whom I am not even remotely connected.

With today being Ignacio's last day of school, I've been a little teary. This was his first year in the public school system and it was amazing. I was so impressed with his teacher, speech therapist, and other staff who so genuinely care about him and support him. Next year he'll be at a different school (budget cuts), which I am assured also has excellent staff. But I'm still more emotional about the end of this school year than I thought I would be.

And while I'm in my thinking about it, I realize that there's a lot of other things that I'm feeling emotional about too. I'm sad that my son needs his summer to be filled with structure and therapy instead of swimming pools and summer camp. I'm frustrated that my 4 year old son can read and multiply, but still can't toilet independently. It's bittersweet to see my 2 year old surpass him at most fine and gross motor skills. I'm sad because autism pretty much sucks.

I don't really mean to complain, that's where I'm at today. Transitions make me think and get deep and stuff. And apparently provide fodder for blog entries.

i love lucy

I thought that I would have more down time when Ignacio started going to school 5 days a week. I was wrong. I'm not sure how it happened, but I am much busier now. Before, when Ignacio had an appointment, Lucy usually came with us. If Lucy wanted to do something, we either brought Ignacio or just didn't do it.

But now everyone gets to do their own thing. Since Ignacio is in school 20 hrs/week, we've dropped his therapy appointments from 4 hrs a week to 2 hrs a week (yay!). He goes after school, while Lucy is napping (Christopher working at home makes this possible, yay! again). Lucy FINALLY gets to go back to SoccerTots (which is her absolute favorite thing in the world). And we spend most mornings doing Lucy things after we drop Ignacio off at school. Both kids are happy, but I am worn out. Last week I was asleep by 9:30 several times.

At any rate, the point of this post is that I absolutely LOVE having lots of one on one time with Lucy. As a second child, she never got that undivided Mommy time that Ignacio enjoyed for the first 2 years of his life. Two years old is such a fun age (tantrums and all). Everything is new and exciting. She is practicing independence. She loves to swing. Every trip outside is an adventure where she can find birds, dogs, grass, cars, and of course the garbage truck. She loves riding in the cart at the grocery store, especially when the deli lady gives her a sample of cheese. She's also happy to play at home, preparing elaborate meals for the dolls and dinosaurs. Lucy is my super cool little girl and I cherish this time with her.

4 years ago

Four years ago today, my life changed. I was laying in a hospital bed with fresh scar on my abdomen. Incoherent from morphine and 48 hours of no sleep. Trying to nurse my brand new baby boy for the very first time. It was the best day of my life.

Those first few days in the hospital are a blur. I never slept for more than a few hours at a time. If it wasn't time to feed the baby a nurse would wake me up to take my vitals. Breastfeeding was a challenge. The hospital staff insisted that I supplement with formula because he was losing too much weight. Of course I obliged because they told me that he wouldn't be able to leave if he got to small. I cried, a lot. I remember leaving the hospital after my 4 day stay. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny October morning. I was glad to breath the fresh air.

Those first weeks and months are also a blur. I still never slept for more than a few hours at a time. I still cried a lot. I had no idea how to take care of a baby. My mom came for a week, and then my mother-in-law. I don't know what we would have done without them; I don't think I would have eaten anything if my mom hadn't prepared it and placed it right in front of me.

I remember spending a lot of time in the rocking chair. Often nursing, but other times just holding my sleeping baby. I sang a lot-I didn't know a lot of kids songs so I mostly just sang "The ants go marching 1 by 1..." over and over again. Christopher didn't know a lot of children's songs either so he sang a lot of Morrissey.

I distinctly remember one sleepless night when I had to rock Ignacio for hours to get him to sleep (this was not uncommon). I stopped myself from crying and feeling sorry for myself by reminding myself that I should appreciate every moment with my baby. I remember everything about that night. The sound of the waves from the noise machine, the motion of the rocker, the weight of my little boy resting comfortably in my arms.

Now 4 years later, Ignacio is no longer a baby. Of course he still needs me, but not in the totally helpless and dependent way that a newborn does. He is growing into an incredible person. He's so smart, and funny, and full of love. Yes, at times he drives my crazy. But I try to remind myself that this too shall pass. Every day brings new challenges and adventures. I am so grateful to have Ignacio in my life.

Happy Birthday Ignacio!

on social media

As I approach Ignacio's 4^th birthday, I realize that I have been an at-home mom for almost 4 years now. (I'm not counting the 2 weeks I went back to work when he was 12 weeks old and was too emotional for that to be a workable solution.) At any rate, however it started, I never intended to be home for this long. I had originally thought that I would stay out of work for a year. Then around Ignacio's first birthday we were planning for Lucy and I decided that I would stay out until the kids were in preschool. Now that both kids are preschoolers, I think I'll go back when Lucy starts kindergarten...but that could change.

All this is a long way of saying that I love staying home with my kids. I also recognize that my experience is probably vastly different from generations before me. As a teenager I read the Feminine Mystique and had horrible images of what it must be like to stay home—isolating and depressing. I'm not saying that its easy or that I haven't had my bouts of depression. But by and large my experience has been satisfying.

For Ignacio's first 6 mos, we didn't really do much. I didn't have many friends with children and didn't really know what to do with an infant. I slept when he slept, watched a lot of baby shows on cable, sometimes went to the park or the store. It was a time of transition. By around 6 mos, I knew that I needed to broaden my horizons. Enter Meetup.com.

If you're not familiar with Meetup, they are all about “using the internet to get off the internet.” I joined my first Mom's group and instantly had tons of playdates and new friends. I met people who were new to the parenting thing and also itching for social contact. It was fantastic. I have formed strong bonds and close friendships with many of the women I met in this first playgroup.

It was not until after Lucy was born that I discovered facebook. Excuse me for sounding like an ad for them, but facebook has definitely helped me to not feel isolated. I can connect with all my mommy friends as we share pictures and tidbits about our kids. I follow pregnancies and growth of families of friends from high school and college. I enjoy vicariously experiencing all the parties, politics, jobs, and other non-kid related activities from a variety of friends and family-locally and all around the world. Random comments, random thoughts from people I have known through my life. I love it.

And its not just on facebook. Parenting in the age of the internet means that I am constantly receiving information about activities in my community, parenting, church, politics, etc. Chatting with friends, planning nights out and playdates. Sharing advice. Learning.

Not that the internet is a substitute for face to face interaction, because it most certainly is not. But I do feel that I've maintained contact with people who I otherwise would have written off long ago. It makes those long afternoons during naptime more bearable. It makes planning real life interaction easier. It helps me stay well-rounded. And it saved me 4 years ago, when I was most at risk of losing myself in my new role as “Mommy.”

Some reasons I'm glad to be staying in Texas

If I was sitting in my new house in Raleigh right now I would probably be listing the things I do not love about Texas (summer and the State Board of Education would be high on the list). But as we are here for the foreseeable future, I'm going with the positive:

• Good friends.
• I live right down the road from IKEA, Spec's, and the outlet mall. Yes I like to shop...especially for discount alcohol. And by my estimate about 75% of my house is furnished by IKEA.
• I will not have to buy more cold-weather clothes. My 2 sweaters ought to be sufficient to get me through “winter.”
• Tons of parks and trails within walking and close driving distance.
• Fantastic preschool.
• Mexican food. Especially pan dulce from Juarez bakery.
• Friendly people. Seriously, almost everyone around here is just nice to you.
• Round Rock Express. Ok, so we've only taken the kids to one game, but I like that it's super close and we can go if we want to.
• Alamo Drafthouse

There's plenty more, but that's what comes to mind this morning.

back to "normal"

It's been a while since I've written anything here. We've been busy. Plans have changed. Since my last post (which I now realize was 2 months ago!), we've made some decisions.

We've taken the house off of the market. We had it listed for 6 months and did have a decent amount of interest. But as the new school year started we thought it was time for a certain amount of stability. My stress level has improved dramatically since I'm not worried about keeping the house show-ready all the time. In fact, we went from one extreme to the other. We had a bathroom leak that required Christopher to tear apart a bathroom to find. We literally had a bathroom sink in our bedroom for about a week. At any rate, we plan to do a few improvements over the next several months. Then we will just live here for a while, like normal people. We may re-list in the spring, maybe in a year or two. Right now we're taking it a day at a time.

We've taken Ignacio off of the crazy diet. This has also improved my stress level. About a week after we got back from vacation, Ignacio had a very bad week. Almost constant meltdowns, hitting, screaming. Lots of fun. What this made is realize is that this kid has ups and downs. Kids with autism have ups and downs for a variety of reasons. We figured that whatever "improvement" we thought we saw on the diet, was more likely attributable to these normal fluctuations in mood and behavior. He's been back on gluten and casein for over 2 weeks now, and his mood is actually much improved. I'm glad that we tried, because now I don't have to wonder.

Both kids started preschool this month. Of course they both love it. We're also in the process of getting Ignacio into the Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities (PPCD) through the school district. I had never heard of such a thing until this year, but basically the law requires that school districts educate EVERYONE in the district. This will be a 5 day/week program to help work on Kindergarten preparedness. We're going to visit the classroom next week, and he should start sometime next month. I am a little hesitant to take him out of his current preschool (they are REALLY good with him). I'm curious to see how this all plays out.

That's all I have for now. I'll keep y'all posted.

the diet

Maybe you've heard that kids with autism may have sensitivities to gluten (found in wheat) and casein (a protein in milk). The theory is that if you eliminate these foods from the diet, the autism symptoms should lessen (supposedly this should also work for symptoms of ADHD and sensory disorders). Over the past several months I have found tons of information about the gluten-free, casein-free (GFCF) diet. Lots of books and websites, many, many accounts of parents who see a “whole different kid” after implementing the diet. The problem is that I have run into NO scientific evidence for this whatsoever. The one study that I have seen found that this diet had no effect. Of course that study only followed kids for 1 month, while proponents of the GFCF diet say that you need to give it at least 3 months to see results.

Despite this complete lack of evidence, we've decided to give it a try. My logic is that it can't hurt to try it and see what happens. So Ignacio has been on a (mostly) GFCF diet for a little over a month now (there have been a few slips that I know of, plus probably a few that I don't). We have already seen some changes, but not quite what we were expecting.

I had him tested for Celiac Disease prior to starting the diet. Although he does not have this, I do believe that he has a sensitivity to gluten (or maybe casein, or both). Since starting the diet his energy level has been markedly improved. So have his bowel movements (I'll try to refrain from TMI here-suffice to say there has been an improvement). He is talking more and is again showing interest in topics other than dinosaurs.

However, with the increase in energy we are also seeing an increase in “typical” autistic behaviors. He runs around the house in circles counting and repeating various phrases. He spends hours meticulously arranging and lining up items. And counting. Did I mention counting? In general though, his mood has been good. He has been trying new foods because well, that's all he's being offered. His food repertoire has definitely expanded.

The diet itself is not too hard, but did take some getting used to. We have found decent gluten-free bread and vegan cheese (Ignacio's staples prior to the diet). Fruit and veggies are allowed, so no problem there. We have been eating more Asian-influenced meals (think rice and tamari) and less Tex-Mex stuff (think tortillas and cheese). It's probably a healthier diet for all of us since we eat out less and are preparing more food from scratch. Our grocery bill has been higher, but not too bad. I do have to hit 3 different stores to get all the grocery shopping done. We have become frequent customers of zpizza since they are the ONLY place I know that I can get GFCF take-away (they have a gluten-free crust and vegan cheese).

At the outset, we said that we would try the diet for 3 months and then see where we are. We are still determined to stick it out for the next 2 months and see if there is any further improvement. In retrospect, I think we clouded things by cutting out gluten and casein simultaneously. This was also the same time we started potty training (which came with its own set of behavioral issues). Hopefully with a few more months we'll have a clearer picture about whether or not this crazy diet is making any difference.