chaotic morning

I want to be a better parent than I am.

This is not me fishing for complements, this is me struggling. I wake up every morning feeling very optimistic. I drink coffee, run, get showered and dressed. I tell myself that today I am not going to let the meltdowns get to me. Today I will respond calmly, I will not get frustrated, I will not yell. All is good in the world. And then the kids get up.

Lucy needs a banana, NOW. Ignacio needs to sit on the potty (several times, until he finally pees 1-2 hours after he gets up). Lucy needs cereal (“I want cereal, in a bowl, with milk, and a spoon”). Ignacio needs cereal (“YOU DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE LUCY'S!!! YOU WANT JUST PLAIN CEREAL!!!”). They both need eggs. Lucy screams because she want them NOW and has no concept of too hot. Ignacio screams because, well, because that's what he does...in his opinion Mommy didn't do something quite right. And the morning goes on something like this. Not just this morning, every morning.

Somewhere amid the screaming children, trying to get them fed and dressed for the day, and trying to clean up before we leave for the morning (our house is still on the market after all), I lose it. At best I snap at them. Too often I yell or cry. I feel ill-equipped to meet everyone's needs. Ignacio needs attention. Lucy needs attention. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. I don't want pee on the carpet (is that really too much to ask?)

And then somehow, we get out the door. Ignacio pees (in the potty). We end up wherever we're supposed to be. We all stop screaming and life is good again. Except that I know that this is not how I want to parent. I want to be the rock that my kids need me to be. I tell myself that tomorrow will be better. Maybe it will.