doing something different

It is taking a lot of practice and patience (I will repeat for those who don't already know...patience does NOT come naturally to me), but I believe that I am getting better at reading Ignacio. The general pattern has been this:

1. Something upsets him
   
2. He communicates this by crying, screaming, running away
3. I can't figure out what the problem is
4. He gets more upset, because Mommy can't figure out what the problem is.
5. I get more upset, because now he is just crying more loudly

We have repeated this cycle more times than I care to admit or remember. First I tried addressing Step 1 (start at the beginning, right?). Convincing a three year old not to have irrational fears or cling to elaborate rituals has not worked. I have also tried to address step 2: self-calming techniques, deep breaths, safe space. It hasn't worked either.

So now I am looking at step 3, which involves reading his cues. When he gets that look on his face—the one that comes immediately before a meltdown—I put myself in his shoes. What might he perceive as scary? What routine did I inadvertently violate? What function does the routine serve for him? If I can figure it out, I put it in words for him. “Are you afraid you will have to pet that dog?” “Are you afraid it will be too loud there?” or even “You're hungry and you think I will take too long making lunch.”

He is not always good at getting his words out, especially when he is flustered. But I can help. I can give him the words. If I can name the problem, I can offer a solution. All of this helps him to calm down....BEFORE the tears. I don't always get it right. But the more time we spend together and the more I try to empathize, the better I am getting at figuring it out. And as I have been getting better at giving him the words, he has been getting better at using those words. When a similar situation occurs later, he is more likely to communicate his fear in words, not tears. This is huge.

Years ago (long before my kids could talk or listen) I read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This is a fantastic book for any parent. One of their key points is active listening. Kids want to know that they are heard. Parents can help their children name and accept feelings. That's what I'm trying. We still have plenty of meltdowns, but its definitely helping.

Eventually, yes, Ignacio will need to learn how to self calm and problem solve. He will need to accept that things will not always go as he wishes and be OK with that. We'll get there. Step 1 in that process is helping him feel safe, secure, and loved. It just takes practice. And patience.